Been doing it for some time now and i realize i do kinda enjoy doing it. Been rather into it in the last month and i have been quite throwing myself into it when I'm doing the web programming and not while i have been doing researching.

At the end of the day though, I do have a realization over my own personality. When i start on a job or project or any hobby i do tend to have quite a bit of enthusiasm at the beginning which tends to tether down as i stay at it long enough. Guess that is part of my nature although i do prefer to stay on with things until they are complete. At least it is to my credit i didn't just take the easy way out and just quit my studies after the first year.

A by note on the election in the US though. I am quite interested and do keep up with what's going on with the election this year. Obama and Clinton. I'm hoping America votes for Clinton. Yes, obama is charismatic, clinton is experience. But i do have an inclination towards the first female president and it has not really changed despite the debates except that i am now hoping that either Clinton or Obama winning, it will be a democrat in the white house to stop all this bullshit happening in the white house.

Just standing in the showers with the water running down around me brings to me the yearning to stand in a waterfall and feel the cold water. Its a refreshing feeling to be cleansed by cold natural water. I really do miss trekking.

Just completed my first week on the Coach to 5k program. 1 down, 8 more to go.

In total, walking for 5 mins, the alternate running of 60 seconds and a walk of 90 seconds for 20 mins then cool down for 5 mins. That was week 1. On average i did about 3.5k per session. walking and running included.

There's something to be said about just staying home. It does give you ideas and when u start implementing them, they are kinda good.

I was always a little interested in meditation and overall a more holistic life. But i guess the course yong sent me details about really got me interested in attending. Can't do so though. Its 12 days and the earliest possible time is from 8th to the 20th. Unfortunately, i would have started work by the 12th.

So i went and looked into podcasts to help me, wonderful things aren't they? You can learn languages, pick up meditation skills and get to know about history and stuff. Anyway i downloaded a couple of podcasts and by whim i actually went to look through all the podcasts to see what would interest me.

I found a podcast for a program for running, "Coach to 5k in 9 weeks". Well, i thought why not. So i got it and started running on friday. Today i just ran my 2nd time in this week and my next schedule is on tuesday. I'm gonna stick to this one.

Running gives me the exercise, and this podcast gives me a program to follow. I've never been that interested in running before as i always found it boring. This gives me set targets, timings and music i can listen to. Wonderful!

Its not just running, I've actually sat down and tried the tree of life meditation after my running and it does help. If nothing else, at least the silence is good for every person. In this busy lifestyle, its always good to just sit down and be silent for half an hour

A first i did today was to actually get down and cook my own fried rice. As a kid i've seen how my granny made it and she told me the steps to follow. I've never actually got down to making a plate myself. In part laziness, partly also because since there were so many cooks at home, i didn't see the need to bother. Guess what made me pull up my sleeves and get down to testing out my grandma's theory was because I helped Keira cooked her fried rice the other day (She wanted to do it herself). It brought me back to memories of the methods my grandma would cook. Besides, i'm kinda tired of always having moist fried rice because the rice wasn't cooked for long enough.

I always knew i could do anything as long as i got down to doing it and i did. I made fried rice that i'm satisfied with. That brought back memories of how my granny used to make it. Patience is a virtue and especially in the arena of cooking. My granny is the best cook ever and i'll never forget the fried rice and Rock Sugar Hashima she makes. I can replicate her fried rice in a pale imitation but i can never ever replicate her Rock Sugar Hashima, i have never been in the kitchen watching her prepare and learning the method from her on that. But then I am glad that i have had the opportunity to taste my grandma's cooking. For that I am grateful.

On a note of smaller importance, though the people around me seem to take this much more to their heart then all other matters. I have got a job.

It fits my job description. I get to be the in the communication layer between the technical side and the sales side. It fits my proximity wants. I stay yishun, its in yishun, you can't get any nearer then that. It fulfills my salary requirement such that i am getting the same or more then my previous workplace. I guess the best of all is that it shuts up all those who are constantly bugging me to get a job ASAP when what i want is to find something i like. I did find something although it sure hasn't been easy to stay focused and not just jump in and send my resume into any job that fits my skill-set.

Its been a tough couple of weeks emotionally. I am feeling myself being more susceptible to fits of crying. I have never felt so before. I guess PMS doesn't help make this better :)

I do need to get out. There's not enough time for me to go for the meditation course that yonghua is introducing me to as the timings are all after i start work. But i do wanna get out more. I do want to get out of singapore. I love the nature. I just need someone who loves it like i do.

The keyword in Election 2008 in New Hampshire.... but relevant to all of us.. People can change great things around them but how much can be changed inside?

I'm doing my own slight modifications but how can anyone expect me to change overnight? No one should expect another to change the person that they are, people should understand instead, I know that and am guilty of that as well.

People have said it before and i fully agree, I need scolding before i'll wake up. Its only when it gets extreme do i know i need to do something or stop doing something. Eagerness to help can sometimes harm rather then help. Life needs changing, guess reading all these kind of books does have an impact on me. Yes i do want to change my life and find my purpose in life. I live life by the moment, with goals set out only for the short term. I hate the interviewers asking me what i see myself 10 years down the road. I never have a concrete answer for them.

Yes, I'm spontaneous, I live for the moment. I want to appreciate the things nature bring. I want to pause and just enjoy the sunset. I am impatient, but sometimes people should not just rush onwards and don't stop for a moment to smell the roses. A major reason why i love trekking is that it is not the barrier of physical fitness that stops people. Its their will. People will get up eventually and it isn't because they are fit enough. That was what truly attracted me to stay on in ODAC. Because the people in there care for each other. We go at the pace of the slowest person, no one is left behind alone. When the people drifted away, i didn't stay either, it was just different. Enjoying the trill that nature itself can bring is better then any sports i have ever done in singapore.

Some people dislike the slippery nature of the rocks at waterfall areas. I yearn for it. I love the excitement of keeping your mind on the trek and forgetting about the physical tiredness of it all. I love the feeling of being able to jump into water at anytime that you feel totally drained and get the refresh yourself.

The fun in all these is really the passage. Getting to the top is nothing if you did not start from the bottom and made your way up by foot. Yes, Ophir can nice to experience at the peak. But the experience is lost when you forgo the trek up, no matter how arduous it gets. No matter how tiring, or how you just wanna stop. The trek up is what makes the top so much more enjoyable.

I miss my year 1 in University. I did neglect my studies quite abit. But I'll not change a single thing about my priorities back then. Getting a trip in every semester break was the best part of the whole experience. I remember the times back then. But what i want to do now is find someone i can go trekking with often enough.

Is this why people turn to religion? Is this why people convert and change in so extreme a manner? When people are at their nadir, is the only way out for them to turn to higher measures? Is that why most people turn to christianity? The religion built around salvation? In no way am i going that route. But perhaps this is why people convert so readily. To gain an avenue to seek peace in. To get out of that nadir of feelings. It may also explain why they are so eager to spread christianity to bring others out of their nadir. But why then don't other religions expound evangelism as readily? I respect religions that spread their beliefs through example only then by telling others that they will go to hell unless they convert. I respect religious tolerance.

I'm really lost for what to do anymore... I really don't know... There's really no one i can truely disclose everything to. I'm lost and i need to find my way out. I want to but i don't know how to.

I've just went through a complete breakdown and realisation of what kind of person i truely am. I've really been horrible for all those that care for me the most. Its a trait i realise i had. Sometimes the darkness inside you threatens to overcome the whole of who you are. I guess that's why when we are too young to hide it we treat each other as bad as all primary school kids do. A self-centered bastard. That's it.... Probably the reason i had no lasting friends in primary school. They truely saw me for who i am and stayed distant as a result.

When push comes to shove i get the most passionate when it concerns me. There are things that can't be told honestly to anyone. And i do have a few of those. It's just not right and being in a relationship brings it all to the fore. I see clearly for the first time in my life without juxtaposing it with anything nice. A person to tell a spade for a spade. A rake for a rake.

Life's like this, some people are meant to be in it and some people aren't. Hence people forever looking in from the outside. Another weekend, another shithole of life to go through. I find myself needy and yet i can't afford to ruin any other people's lives. Shit comes, you either live with it or just give up and say i can't do this anymore.

Everything is done for a reason and no one is spared. When you realise that you realise how dark your inner person is and it scares you. Even I hate myself, I find myself the root of all the things i disliked most in other people. Whenever I say that this person has this fault, i realise i have that fault too. When it comes to loads of people this becomes a mountain of flaws that no one else has. Unfortunately, I am who i am and I truely can't change who i am really. I'm sorry for all that i have done, I'm sorry even if any of you don't know what i've done and I'm sorry for all the things that I've been the cause of that i'm not even aware of.

They say using Johari's Window that there are four sections.
1) Open/Free Area
2) Blind Area
3)Hidden Area
4)Unknown Area
Well I'm sorry for all of the four areas that i've caused to all, Things i know and they know, things I know but they don't, things I don't know but they do and Things we both don't know.

A New Year, another year older that makes me. Firstly a great shoutout and thanks to all those who have unexpectedly brought the brightest cheer to my new year's eve. I was expecting this year to be the dullest year i have ever spent this festive period since early secondary due to my financial circumstances. But I had two wonderful gatherings which make me appreciate that sometimes, miracles come to those who just wait.

Still don't have a full time permanent job but today i actually started earning money. Got a part time job and on top of that i actually sold off one of my old parts from my dismantled old laptop :D its real luck actually. I just happened to be in the right spot at the right time to spot the ad and viola my item was sold after just a few msges....

Thanks to all who are concerned over me over my jobsearch and others. It meant alot. Just spotted a horoscope reading that tells me my hours are between 11pm-1am. Hmm maybe that's why the deepest thoughts and strongest emotions come to me at night. Very unfortunate that that is time least likely to get a confidant to spill it all too.